Can you say SCARED!!

I have spent the last several weeks being excited about my upcoming Lap Band Surgery, now that said surgery is 4 days away....HOLY COW I am scared!

I spent a good portion of my day calling patients of Dr. Rodriguez to ask about him, the hospital and the overall experience. Everyone was so nice and helpful, but would the doctor give me a name of someone who wasn't happy?? Of course not, that's just bad for business.

But talking to them did help, I feel less anxious. But what I really want is to just get it over with. I am ready to be past this fear, its so unlike me to walk around with fear like this. My patient facilitator and the other facilitators at Belite have made me feel a lot better and I am happy I have them to lean on.

I am also scared of my dramatic life changes, I know how hard it will be. I know I have to go into this with the mind set of watching what I eat, exercising and changing my life. I am confident I will be successful, and I just pray that as the pounds roll off I realize that these changes, while difficult will be worth it.

I also spent a couple of hours with a good friend of mine last night, she had the lap band surgery in 2002. She has had a hard time with it, well she had a few great years, but by admission, she let things get out of control when she had her band deflated for a pregnancy. She hasn't been able to get on track since then and her band slipped about 2 years ago. However she was really great to talk to because while she has struggled she also said "even with all of this, I would do it all over again and recommend it to anyone." She also pointed out that she is a great example for me of what NOT to do. I love her and hope that she is able to get her band adjusted soon. I also feel very blessed to have such a good friend to call for advice and help through this big change in my life.

By the way, 4.5 pounds down since starting my pre-op diet on Saturday...WOW!

Mommy why are you having surgery?

I started my Pre-op diet on Friday, so this is day 4...wow this SUCKS!!! But i just keep chanting in my mind "It is so worth it, it is so worth it!"

Its hard to know what to eat and what not to eat. Every blog I read, every website, the surgeons all require something different. Mine states this

"Start with proper protein sources (no less than 20 grams of protein per serving with 6 total grams of carbohydrates or less and 6 grams of saturated fats or less per serving), keep a close eye on the fat intake (don’t over do it).  Some choices are lean chicken, turkey, fish, fresh fruits and vegetables, sugar free jell-o, pudding, beans.  Please include fresh fruit at least 2 times a day.

Those that choose to use a protein shake, please read the labels. You should try to choose a protein shake with between 20-30 grams of Protein, less than 6 grams of total Carbohydrates, and less than 6 grams of saturated fat per serving.  Protein shakes are NOT required, but are very convenient. These are just some of the brands that have the correct protein/carb/sat fat ratio:

Iso Pure, Slim Fast LOW CARB,  Designer Whey

 
LIVER-SHRINKING DIET PLAN

1. There are NO CALORIE LIMITATIONS on the LIVER-SHRINKING diet. You may eat/drink as much as you wish of the allowed things to feel satisfied, although we suggest reasonable limits to assist your weight loss.

2. A maximum of 40-50 grams of carbohydrates (carbs) a day.

3. You may have as many high-protein/low carb Protein drinks a day as you wish. No limit!

4. You may add low-carb protein bars up to the max of 40-50 grams of carbs a day. \

5. You may have any type, brand, and quantity of protein drinks and protein bars that you wish, as long as you read the labels carefully so you are getting a MAX of 40-50 grams of NET carbs a day.

6. Count only the NET CARBS that are on the label, not the “total” carbs. Please eat and drink NOTHING that is not clearly labeled as to net carb content. With some products, the “Net Carbs” are called “Impact Carbs” or “Effective Carbs”.

7. You may have as much water, Crystal Light, herbal or regular teas, or coffee as you wish – but please remember, NO sugar, and NO milk/creamer with high carbs. You must count any carbs here in your daily total of 40-50 grams maximum.

8. Your local GNC or other nutrition store will have a variety of drinks and bars to try. We suggest getting one each of several kinds to try before you buy a larger quantity, so you can find some you really like."

But no real suggestions are included with this. So ::sigh:: I am just trying to stay in the lean meats category and under the allotted carbs, I hope this works.

The last three mornings I have made a yummy protein shake, but it does NOT make me anywhere near full or satisfied, however I have found if I wait about 40 minutes or so, the hunger subsides. Here is what I put in it:

One frozen banana

Two scoops chocolate Whey protein

One strawberry no fat, no carb yogurt

Soy Milk

4 ice cubes

I tried it without the ice cubes and i didn't like it as much.

So I am starving, but chipper because I am 5 days away from my surgery...WOW!! Cannot believe it!

So my kids are all asking what my surgery is, they all know I am having surgery, but they don't what for. Being a step-mom is hard and one of the hardest parts is dealing with the ex-wife. For reasons I cannot quite describe, I just don't want her to know I am having the surgery.

Well thats not completely true, I dont want her to know because I dont like her, because I dont want her to know any intimate details of my life. I want my life to be my life and only intertwined with hers when necessary.

I wonder if other bariatric patients have this dilemma, do you tell people you had a weight loss surgery? I mean people will ask how you lost the weight and if you say smaller portions and exercise, then you are not lying, but you are leaving out a pretty major detail.

So Kallie, my 4 year old, says "Mommy why are you have surgery, because you are really sick and are going to die?" This brought me to tears and a little laughter as well. I told her mommy just had to get a small procedure done, that I was not dying and that she would see me next week.

But this comment did make me think....this is surgery after all. Maybe I should prepare something just in case. Maybe write a letter stating my love for my husband and family, stating what I want should things go terribly wrong. That is daunting and sad to me. It takes some of the joy out of this for me, but I think I will do it, because you never know.

9 years down, 6 days to go

I started thinking about weight loss surgery 9 years ago. I attended my first weight loss seminar with my aunt, and I was so inspired by the stories I heard. I knew for sure that gastric bypass was the surgery for me. I was 25 years old, 250 pounds and I was so certain that getting a surgery, losing the weight super fast would be all I needed.

Let me back up a second.....I graduated high school in 1996, I was 5'10", 135 lbs, I wore a size 7 and could not have been more conceded, snobby or sure of myself. I was a total b*tch! I moved out into my apartment with a friend in the days following graduation, having shared a bedroom with my three sisters, privacy was the main goal.

Within 2 years, I was a size 14, and had learned some much needed humility. I was finally the nice person I was probably always meant to be. Getting "fat", over looked by guys I would not have given the time of day to prior to my weight gain, ignored by the good looking men, having to buy larger cloths, going up in shoe size....all of this has a way of bringing a girl back down to earth in a painfully embarrassing and humbling way.

Taco Bell, Pepsi, Mashed Potatoes and the freedom to eat all of that and more without regard to anything was what did me in. No longer did I live under my parents roof and had to share meals with 6 of my 8 siblings, no longer did I attend school with the required physical education classes, no longer was I required to be active at all in fact. I found sleeping in as late as I wanted, working as a waitress at a place where the food was free for me, living across the street from Taco Bell and my general disregard for my health and body, made gaining several pounds and going up 4 sizes in clothing very easy to do.

Fast forward 5 years, I am 25, living with my overweight boyfriend and have gone up to a size 22. I was desperate to be the skinny Kimberly that I knew still existed inside of me, desperate to feel good about myself and desperate to ditch the unhealthy relationship (based mostly on our love of food) for a better wardrobe and some self esteem.

However the bariatric surgery Gods said I required a 6 month supervised diet, and this to me seemed IMPOSSIBLY LONG! Had I known it would be 9 years before I would actually being having a bariatric surgery, I may have been more inclined to do the 6 months!

But I was not yet mature enough to understand that doing those 6 months of supervised diet was what was best for me. Instead though, I spent the next several years on yo yo diets, losing and gaining, losing and gaining more than lost. I tried without success to get the gastric bypass surgery approved through several of my employment insurance companies. I was changing jobs at a rapid rate, but still with no success on the surgery front.

In 2007, at the age of 29, one month away from my 30th birthday, I met the man of my dreams. One year later he proposed, I was at my highest weight ever, 350 pounds, and wearing an size 26/28. I was miserable and terrified of losing me, my life, my fiance. I was working for a company at the time were my surgery would be approved, this time I was going for Lap Band. Now that I was engaged and had stepchildren to think about, my thought process on Gastric Bypass no longer applied. Gastric Bypass in the past had meant super fast weight loss. I didnt consider the risks, now those risks seemed to high.

My insurance would cover the surgery, it required t a 6 month supervised diet and this time, I was fine with that. I started seeing my doctor once a month, keeping the required food log and exercising. I was 4 months through the diet when I was laid off from my job, my cobra insurance would have been $660 a month, I couldnt afford it.

I watched my dream of weight loss surgery die.....this would be the 7th time in 6 years that I tried for insurance approval and just couldnt get it to work.

I ended up getting my stuff together, growing up enough to learn that getting skinny was no longer my ultimate goal, getting healthy was. I lost over 85 pounds, got married in March 2011 and now here I am 8 months later and 30 of those pounds are back.

In fact in the last 8 months (since the wedding) I have gained back 50 of those pounds, losing 30 of it on HCG, then gaining some and losing some.

I am sick of this dieting life, I am sick of CONSTANTLY thinking about what my next diet will be, this YO YO dieting is awful.

So now......now I am having the surgery and I am paying out of pocket, so nothing will get in the way. 

I have a new outlook on weightloss surgery now than I did 9 years ago. Yes there is still a huge part of me that just wants to be thinner and feel good about the way I look, but my dominating factors for wanting the surgery have so much more to do with my health, my husband and my 4 stepkids. 

I want a quality life, one in which diabetes is not knocking, one in which my thighs no longer rub together, leaving awful heat rash. One in which my blood pressure is not high and acid reflux is not an everyday pain. One in which my knees and ankles do not hurt on a daily basis. One in which I can go running in the park with my kids, husband and dogs, no longer sitting on the sidelines.

I cannot wait to meet the new me, and I hope you will come along on this journey with me and see where it leads!